It’s been a busy week for my family. My little dude performed in a Mothers Day thing at school that amused the masses, including his mother. Devin got in trouble for hitting his teacher, but apparently he hit the young lady because she accidentally knocked him down. I scolded him for the offense and punished him, though I kind of saw his POV. Of course he should never hit an adult, no matter what, though that fact didn’t keep me from empathizing with him from behind closed doors with my wife. Thankfully that rule doesn’t apply to me. No I didn’t hit anyone this week, that would be bad. But I’ll be darned if I didn’t curse a grown man out. Allow me to set the stage…

The three of us (me, my wife, and the Devil) were driving along at the start of our morning commute. It was a regular day: we were running late, Devil was yapping, and I was thanking god that I wasn’t driving because I was barely awake. This means my wife was at the wheel (despite the fact that I volunteered to drive because she had been in two fender benders this week already) and I was shotgun, chilling. At some point the wife makes a very legal, very mundane lane change. Nothing to think about. Then the guy she got in front of drives around to the left side of the car in his minivan and tries to get our attention. I tell my wife to roll down the window because he looked like he needed directions. The guy in the passenger seat of the van grills me, the driver asks my wife “What did you do that for?” My wife responded, “huh?” I thought about it and realized that this guy and his friend were calling my wife out over a legit lane change. So I answered in my most crazed voice “What? Shut the fuck up, man!!!!!!” The minivan driver looked at me, rolled up the window, and drove off.

Whenever my family is threatened in even the slightest way I lose my darn mind. This is not good. (I’m black so I’ve already got one foot in a jail cell and the other on a banana peel just from the simple act of existing.) I’m one of the most mild-mannered people you’ll ever meet until I feel like my family is being disrespected, in danger, wrongly accused, or a thousand other things. It’s some real alpha male crap. After the incident I felt terrible, especially when my son started lecturing me, “Daddy, that’s a bad word!. You shouldn’t say that word! You don’t talk like that.” He was right. All I could say was “yes Devin, you’re right. Daddy shouldn’t talk like that. I’m sorry.” And I was. My shrink thinks my fierce protectiveness of my family is normal. It feels normal, but I’m not 100% sure.

As for my wife’s two fender-benders this is how Devin summed them up:

1st – “A big purple car crashed into our trunk. It smashed into our trunk. It crashed into us.” (A panicked Hasidic man jumped out of his car and apologized profusely citing that he has five kids. My wife after being in her fair share of accidents decided it would take too much energy to get insurance companies involved, so she took his phone number, just in case, and went on about her business.)

2nd – “Mommy crashed into the back of a special bus. Mommy did it.” (The bus didn’t have a scratch and no one was on board except for a relieved bus driver that was glad he didn’t have to do any paperwork. Our car didn’t fare so well.)

Devin seemed unphased by both accidents.