This year I’m not sure I want anything under my tree, given that Christmas came early with the election of Barack Obama as our next president. It seems a bit selfish to ask for anything more than that. Plus my son is happy and healthy and attending the public school of our dreams.?Yet for some reason there are still things that I feel like I should toss out there to see what comes back. My guess is that there are no big red sacks that can carry the load of my wants but I’ll go for it anyway.

First, I would like for you to bring a bit of happiness to my mother.?If you are really watching us like some creepy old stalker than you know that my mother hasn’t been truly happy in a long time. I’m not sure what it will take to get her to a better place in her life?but perhaps you do.

Second, I’d like for all of my family and friends to find some comfort and security in their lives if they are lacking it. I’m not sure?they need gold plated faucets like Kimora Lee – I think?some affordable homes in safe and comfy neighborhoods would do. Heck, why not spread this one?to all?people who need it.?

Third, I’d like for you to get my brother to commit to actually getting a colonoscopy. He’s the only brother left who needs to get one and for some reason he?hasn’t done it yet. He’s the oldest?which means?he’s at the biggest risk of the big C so he needs to get in there and get it done. Yes, he’s obviously dumbass but he’s still my brother and I love him.

Fourth, I’d like for my grandmother and cousin to have the strength continue on their paths toward recovery.

And finally I’d like a Wii, a Kindle, and a Blu Ray player to go along with a heaping pile of money. I’m human, dude. No man can be 100% selfless! I know I’m sending out this letter earlier than most but apparently getting things?rolling early -?like starting on the campaign trail two years before election day -?can get some really good results.

Warm regrards,


(P.S. – I’m Cc-ing God on the first four items. I’m not stupid. And for those of you who think a letter to Santa is a punk move, well, when you have a beautiful wife and child and are cool with DJ Black Adam,?you don’t?worry about such things.)