I thought about this post on the long drive home and stopped at 13 things because it’s my wife’s lucky number, and it was the one floor that was missing from the resort we stayed at. It’s not a profound list, so don’t get your hopes up. Let’s go…

13. If you are offended by the Confederate flag, do not vacation in Myrtle Beach South Carolina. We saw kids in Confederate swim trunks, t-shirts that said “this is how we do it in Dixie” with the flag on it, boogie boards tricked out with the flag, and of course souvenir shot glasses with the blingy blue X. The last time we were there it wasn’t nearly as prominent, but that may be because of where we stayed this time. For a family from the liberal North East, that flag is creepy as hell.

12. Grouchy isn’t a mood, it’s a lifestyle… especially if you are my son. He was absolutely nightmarish on this trip. The backtalk was non-stop, as were the demands for random toys, and TANTRUMS. He was the only kid on the beach in a timeout. My wife thinks it’s because the excitement was too much, I think it’s because he’s nuts.

11. If a neighborhood begins with the word “south,” it may be a little ghetto. For example I live in a neighborhood that begins in “south,” then there’s South Central L.A., South Bronx, and South Jamaica (where 50 Cent is from). South Beach? I’ll leave it at that.

10. America (me and my 220 pounds of man meat included) is kind of fat.

9. Family Vacation = Kids Vacation. There was nothing about this vacation that was for the adults. We spent our days trying to entertain our four-year-old and our nights resting up for the following day of entertaining our four-year-old.

8. Never vacation at the Sea Crest Resort on Ocean Boulevard in Myrtle Beach. There are tons of better options, just do your homework.

7. Hot lifeguards do exist, and not just on TV.

6. All-you-can-eat buffets may be the reason for #10.

Here go the top five:

5. New Yorkers are the rudest most inconsiderate drivers on the East Coast. Through 1400 miles of driving I only thought I was going to die when we were leaving NY and coming back into NY.

4. I have a very sexy wife. She’s even hotter than the lifeguards.

3. Had I known better I would have planned a vacation to recuperate from the vacation. Instead we had to go with plan B: My wife and I dropped the boy off at grandma’s yesterday and haven’t thought about him since.

2. Never, ever, ever vacation with, or near MY son. If you see that he is staying at the resort you booked get your money back and find a new place to stay. Trust me on this one. Also avoid traveling and interacting with anyone nicknamed “Devil.”

1. It could always be worse (remember the Titanic?).