I spoke to my dad yesterday on the phone for about 30 minutes. During our conversation I even suggested that I stop by to see him next month on my way back from Myrtle Beach. I’m not sure what came over me.
(My boy had a chance to speak to his grandpa too, however the conversation was superficial at best. Mainly because my pop has hearing aides as a result of the Multiple Sclerosis, but also in part due to the fact that my son’s tongue is slipping in between the spot where his two bottom-center teeth used to be and he’s kind of lispy. Put those two issues together and all you have is a hot mess of an interaction.)
I haven’t talked to the guy since my uncle passed away last December. After speaking with him I realized that I truly have to let go of any of the bitterness toward him that I may have left. If I’ve learned anything from the death of a good man it’s that bitterness has no place in our lives. I know it’s cliche to say, but life truly is too short. With father’s day a week away I think I’m going to send him a card.
I guess I feel like it’s time to move on; it’s time to leave the past in the past. I’m supposed to be the wise dad now, and I have to be consistent in deed as well as in words. This will not be easy, I’ll admit that, but nothing worth doing ever is.
I can relate with you on this issue. I went through the same situation with my mother. It was really painful to forgive her. Then, I got older and wiser and with the death of my dad I learned that life was short and we must live every minute of it. So, I decided that better to live life with love, peace and happiness. Believe me it is hard to forgive and forget but as a dad I suggest you let go and let be. I certainly believe in Karma, which is the sum of everything an individual has done, is currently doing and will do. This should be the mission for living. Everything reflects back on you and now you have your son which you called “devil†(wish I think is cute in a weird way!!) Therefore, why carry bitterness in your heart, when you can make a difference? You have a son now that needs to learn from you. Are you going to teach him the bitterness in your heart or are you going to teach him that no matter what happens you will be there for him to guide him.
I don’t know enough of your situation to give advice, but I have learned that it is easier to suck it up than it is to live with regret.
Good luck to you.
It’s great that you two can talk that long and that you’re even considering a meet-up (which I assume is even more rare).
I wish you guys luck.
*truncates too-long commentary to use as a blog post*
I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my mom. She left when I was 12. I feel you on letting stuff go. Good luck!
-T
Bitterness rests in our mouths if we keep biting of the fruit. Sometimes you just have to uproot a tree and plant flowers in its stead.
(But you are not looking for a bouquet, are you?)
FatherDad, I’m just not willing to do that type of tending. And that comes from being resolute, having let those that do their thing their way, go on their way. I have gone my way.
Enjoy your journey.
Damn Keith. I know how you feel, you made me think about my own biological father. He and I have had pretty much NO relationship. I met the guy when I was 18, touched base with him when I had my own kids, giving him a chance to make it right at least with them, haven’t seen him in about 3 years. Maybe I might visit him again on Father’s day…
Well, sounds to me like somebody’s experienced a bit of growth (smile). Good for you, Keith! Keep doing what’s right even when it’s not appreciated. This is the best example ever you could set for your son.
At the very least Keith, let go of the bitterness just so YOU can heal. When hold onto stuff like that we are letting the person or situation control us.
I don’t know your story with your dad so I’m not going to judge. Like I said it’s more for your benefit than his.
One thing I can tell you, I had a great relationship with my dad, he was my best friend. He’s been dead now 12 years and I can’t tell you how much I want to talk to him, how I want to just hug him. My son never met my dad as he is only 7.
Mend the relationship while there is still time. You never know what tommorrow brings, just don’t let that be regret.
Keith,
For starters thank you for giving a voice to the many good fathers out there. I am learning a lot from your blog and hope to continue reading as the days draw closer to me becoming a father.
I guess the best place to start preparing is with yourself and your own bitter feeling. And I have plenty with my father; hell I can’t even truly call him that he is just my biological father but he had very little to any responsibility for my upbringing. I hope one day in the near future I will be able to let the bitterness go and just be at ease with our situation.
Your post had gotten me one step closer to that and I thank you.
Peace,
My best friend has had a “Big Book of Resentment” about his father, which he’s been adding to for decades – slight after slight, misunderstanding after misunderstanding, it all adds up. Recently he visited his dad at the hospice where the old man is dying. His father didn’t even recognize him, thought he was a priest.
This is what it took for my friend to close his big book once and for all.
I followed the trail to your blog from and another one and I enjoy reading your post. What keeps me coming back is seeing the idea of what a real man/father should be like. I am a single mother of an 11 yr old boy. My son has never met his father. And most likely never will. He was conceived by rape and I had him when I was only 18. His father is now living out the rest of his days in prison. This painful secret will be kept from him for as long as possible. I have had 12 years to heal. Some days I still feel damaged not for what he did to me but for what he is now doing to my son. He will never know his father, his family or his heritage. I both envy and admire those people who can maintain a happy family.
Through unspoken words I know there had been plenty of times where we both felt the same pain. But he remains a taboo subject. When he gets older I can imagine him wanting to meet his father. It’s only natural right? I want so much to tell him the truth that his father is a monster and he doesn’t deserve you, but I won’t. I remind myself everyday that I am the one looking at my son’s beautiful face. I am the one who gets to hang up the good grades on my refrigerator, and I am the one he calls mom and gives hugs and kisses to every night. All of this happens while he falls asleep lonely behind bars. In spite of it all I do forgive him. And if my son were to ever know. I hope he would too. Believing that I would not be as happy if I had never had my son is what gives me strength. In some ways we were both born on the same day. Forgiveness and love rather than bitterness and hatred, is always a better route. I wonder if I would continue to hold on to that bitterness will it make me just as bad as him?
Cynthia, I reach out my hands and heart to you. You walk with a mighty faith in healing, nurturance, and growth from ashes.
I read a book a few years ago by Michael Datcher, “Raising Fences”, about a young man’s journey to the center of his own power to build a family and welcome fully the love of a woman into his life only after finding, and seeking acknowldegement from, the family of the man who raped his mother, and through that, fathered him.
Perhaps it may offer a language and path to discovery for you…as you have obviously formed one on your own.
Peace to you.
Keith…to you, my brother.
That’s a tough situation. But I think you’re probably on the right path when considering moving on and leaving the bitterness behind.
Good luck.
I’m not sure of the situation either, but you’re right – – life is way too short. Bitterness can eat a hole where you just don’t want one. Hopefully things will work out for you.
My brotha, it is never too late to patch issues up with the old man. In actuality, you might have to forego apologies if you want it to work out. I think about what my grandfather and he was an evil SOB, but not to the grandkids. I do not know if it had to do with the segregated south or a rotten disposition. Maybe it was a combination of both.
He and my father made friends before passing on. Guess who wants to be my best friend now? Yep, the same scenario but I understand the issues better.
Now you have the opportunity to break the cycle of allegedly BLACK fathers who did not care, did not communicate much, or seem indifferent to their sons. I SIMPLY THINK THEY DID NOT KNOW HOW TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS! Remember feely-touchy was not their M.O.
Obviously you do, continue in that direction my brotha.
Happy Father’s Day my brotha and to all the brothas out there! (6-17-2007)
Growing up and learning to forgive is a wonderful thing. A simple thing like a phone call or a card, will send positive energy out that can only be returned in kind. What a great man you are! Happy Father’s Day to you!
The bitterness and anger eats away at us so it’s better to let it go. I’m still trying to learn that lesson myself, it’s difficult sometimes. You are modeling something powerful for your son though, and that is worth it.
Happy Father’s Day to you.