I know that envy is one of the seven deadly sins and not particularly attractive, nevertheless I have more than a passing acquaintance with the emotion. I have come to accept this flaw in my distinctively and tremendously flawed personality. A plus for me is that I am young enough to grow and learn from it, old enough to know that learning from it is the key.
The object of my envy is simple: Superdads. I wish I had the confidence in my parenting skills to deem myself “Super.” Unfortunately if I were to tear off my shirt, popping buttons in one testosterone-fueled? gesture, you wouldn’t discover a big red S. All you’d find is a little man-hair, a lot of unseemly flesh and the heartbeat of a regular guy that desires nothing more than to on day don the cape. The reality is that I’m more like Bizarro Superdad – I possess many of the attributes of Superdad, but I’m kind of a mess.
I’m the devoted dad of of a child with a trailer load of personality, emotion, energy, and budding genius. When I am at my best I don’t always say or do the right thing, but I sometimes come pretty close. When my wife and I make a decision about Dev we start with love first, then work it out from there. We have dodged some bullets as some of you may know, but I am acutely aware of the fact that this is only the beginning.?
I wasn’t prepared for this “daddy” experience, though I’m not sure how much you can prepare for something like parenting. Every child is unique and you never truly know how you will mange one until you are in the middle of it. Even if you have four kids like my parents did, what worked with number one may not work with number three.
It’s kind of like Obama taking office. The other candidates can talk about experience all they want but no one on this earth has ever taken over a country from President Bush that is in war in the Mid East (yes Iraq and Afghanistan), post Hurricane Katrina, post 9/11, or at a time when the internet bubble has long since burst and the housing market is in the toilet (I could go on and on). The same way no one has ever parented my son.
I am writing this post as a form of catharsis because I too get weary from the? grind of being a dad. I share my stories because my gut tells me that there are plenty of dads out there who can relate. The fact is that we can learn a lot from the Superdads out there, and I have, but we can also learn a good deal from each other.?
Sometimes one of the most superhuman and amazing things a person can do is to realize their own humanity. Devin definitely has a Super Dad, not because of perfection, heroics, or death defying acts but because he keeps it honest and real no matter the cost. A father who’s there for his son to teach and guide with love is one of the greatest heroes many of us will ever know.
So wear your cape proudly, even if it does have a little fraying around the edges it doesn’t reduce your powers, your pride, or your love for the Dev.
Yolanda pretty much said it all perfectly. You are a Super Dad whether you feel like you live up to the title or not. You recognize your son as an individual and you treat him with love and respect. It doesn’t get much more super than that. Those seem like simple and obvious things – but in the day to day of parenting those are sometimes the most difficult things for many to maintain.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself (and conversely, too easy on Bush). I think the attributes that make you question your actions is what makes you super.
You show me a guy that claims to be a ‘superdad’ and I’ll show you, well, I don’t know what, but I’m guessing more man-hair than ‘S.’
You should write a book…I’ve said it over and over again. Yes, you should!
Who is this “SuperDad” you speak of? He sounds freaking awesome!
Where can I pick up his comic book?
You are the pefect dad for Devin and that makes you Super.
Continue loving and nurturing your son, accepting both the mistakes and the triumphs.
I don’t know who these “Super Dads” are, but I have a strong suspicion that they are every bit as human as the rest of us.
I feel you, truly. When our daughter was little, I remember wondering how everyone else seemed to “get” this parenting thing. I just knew there was a manual out there somewhere, maybe even a video, that would keep me from screwing up the being a father thing.
I felt so lost. I wanted more than anything to be a good father, and I didn’t have a clue. I finally accepted my wonderful, patient wife’s advice–that there is no manual, no magic how-to guide. She told me “You’re a good man, follow your heart and you’ll do ok.”
It worked. And it’s been a grind. Being a father ain’t easy and not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know about Superdads, but my wife and our daugher say I’m the cat’s pajama’s. I’m happy with that.
Our daughter, now 30, was married in Sept. 2007 on a beautiful fall day. The proudest moment of my life was walking her down the aisle. Our first grandchild is due in October. She and I are going out for Tapas and dessert tonight.
Hang in there. Be around, be supportive and be involved. The rest will fall into place, if you follow your heart. And Dev will tag you superdad, watch and see!
I agree with you. I don’t think anything can ever REALLY prepare you for parenting. Whether you’re super dad or a “Bizarro”, as you say, you are a great dad in your little Dev’s eyes and that makes you a super dad.
I think you and your wife both do such a fabulous job and if more parent’s could be like you guys, our kids these days probably wouldn’t be running amok the way they have been.
Kudos to you superdad. 😀
Love the blog. Been here a few times, and I am always entertained by your posts. You sound like a superdad to me. I am not yet a father, but your site lets me look forward to it with much enthusiasm.
shameless plug.. blog about mentoring a young black boy in Baltimore who is basically fatherless. Just trying to get the word out.
http://reachingyoungminds.blogspot.com
Time to bust out the old Karyn White song and change the lyrics from “Superwoman” to “Superdaddy”.
In all seriousness though, there’s so much pressure to be a super parent and so much of what’s considered important actually is not that critical. You seem to be doing just fine. And besides, you have a boy genius so clearly you’re doing something right.
I do understand what you are saying. Being a father of two sensitive kids I always question myself as far as my parenting skills. I am being to tough or not enough. Am I preparing them for the future? So many questions.
I agree with the comments above. Being involved with your children is a rare aspect of AA men. Stay strong and involved with your kids. That’s the best legacy you can pass on.
WOW.
I had no idea that dads had this sort of “envy”.
I never imagined.
There is always so much focus on how women strive to be the “best mommy ever” but no mention of a dad’s parenting p.o.v.
Many times I’ve read or heard how dads feel they must provide financially ( which is, of course, true but only a portion of a father’s role. )
I certainly agree with the others; you are a super dad.
If for no other reason than the fact that you care about the type of father you are.
Furthermore, you are there with his mother, raising him, tucking him in, disciplining him teaching him, and so on.
Sounds pretty super to me.
I feel ya on this one. I have rare, ever so rare moments where I feel a sense of superdadness, though in reality, it’s just all the pieces of a puzzle falling together the right way: kids in a good mood and cooperating, nice day, everything going my way. I think it’s when things are NOT so easy and we fumble our way through it, albeit with as much patience and love as we can muster, those times when we don’t feel so super, that we really shine…even if we don’t feel like we do.
Great post man.
I think those dads labeled as “Super” are only labeled so by others, and it looks like plenty of people have done that for you, so you can wear the label with pride if you so choose.
Nice work!