Ask any pundit and he’ll tell you that Rudolph W. Giuliani did poorly in Florida because he opted out of the first four contests, banking on a strong showing in the Sunshine state to propel him to victory.
Well, it seems that Rudy rolled the dice and lost. And the momentum passed to John McCain.
But the real reason for Giuliani’s loss is that prostate cancer patients, his core constituency, sat out the vote, in spite of a strong ground operation which offered voters free transportation in wheelchair-accessible vans and samples of Trimix gel.
Melanoma patients, on the other hand, showed up in droves, putting John McCain over the top. McCain was helped by the fact that melanoma is epidemic in the Sunshine State. The lack of a cancer constituency landed Mitt Romney in second place, trailing McCain by 5 points. Same with Huckabee, who came in fourth.
Prostate cancer voters were offended because Giuliani declined to discuss their proposals for increased funding for research, stating that below-the-waist matters were best left to the states to handle:
It’s not the government’s job to go poking around in people’s bathrooms.
Florida has a sizable community of English emigres, many of whom have prostate cancer, but they stayed home, too. They were miffed — no, cross — when Giuliani insulted the English National Health Service. He told reporters:
My chance of surviving prostate cancer, and thank God I was cured of it, in the United States: 82 percent. My chances of surviving prostate cancer in England: only 44 percent under socialized medicine.”
Giuliani also said that anybody who had lived through 9/11, had been right there at ground zero, would realize that prostate cancer is paltry when compared with Terrorism.
He stated that his wife, Judith Nathan Giuliani, had been mugged the other day by a radical Islamic extremist as she walked out of Bloomingdales. The terrorist grabbed her Louis Vuitton bag, and Ms. Giuliani is now being treated at Mt. Sinai Hospital for post-traumatic-stress syndrome.
Exit polls revealed that voters did not like the fact that Giuliani had raised his hand in middle of a debate and asked to go to the men’s room, citing “urgency.” True leadership, they emphasized, would have required him to hold it in.
[Note: This is a satirical piece.]